Taking it Out on Another Person: Understanding Displaced Anger

Displaced anger, often referred to as "taking it out on another person," occurs when someone redirects their frustration or negative emotions from the original source to a person in your life that doesn’t deserve it. This can happen for a variety of reasons, such as feeling unable to confront the true source of anger due to fear, power dynamics, or social constraints. 

 

Unrecognized anger can begin when we have unrealistic standards about what emotional health means. We may believe that staying calm and cool is what emotional regulation looks like. We have self schemas or ideas about who we are that causes us to downplay anger or try to make it go away like the whack-a-mole at children’s favorite pizza place. 

 

This misconception is rooted in cultural norms and personal beliefs that equate emotional expression, particularly anger, with weakness or a lack of control. They might see themselves as "peacekeepers" or "rational thinkers," which conflicts with the natural expression of anger.

 

Case Study 1: The Overwhelmed Office Worker 

Imagine Jane, an office worker who has had an exceptionally tough day. Her boss criticized her project, and she's facing mounting deadlines. Jane feels powerless to express her frustration at work due to fear of repercussions or further conflict. When she gets home, these pent-up emotions are inadvertently directed towards her partner, Sam, who had nothing to do with the initial stress. Jane snaps at Sam for a minor issue, like leaving the dishes unwashed. Sam, feeling confused and hurt, wonders why such a small mistake has triggered such a strong reaction. The recipient of the misdirected anger, in this case, Sam, may feel confused, hurt, and unfairly treated, leading to further conflicts and strained interactions. Over time, this behavior can erode trust and emotional bonds between individuals. 

 

Case Study 2: The Frustrated Football Fan 

Let's take a lighter example. Picture Tom, an avid football fan, watching his favorite team play. The game is intense, and his team is losing badly. Tom’s frustration builds with every missed goal. Finally, when the game ends in defeat, Tom is fuming. Tom yells at Rufus for knocking over a bowl of chips, "Why can't you be careful for once?!" Rufus, blissfully unaware of football, wags his tail, thinking it’s all a part of playtime. Tom quickly realizes how ridiculous it is to be angry at his dog for something so trivial and bursts into laughter, diffusing his own anger. This example shows how displaced anger can sometimes be directed at those who are completely innocent and unrelated to the source of frustration, highlighting the importance of recognizing and addressing these emotions. 

 

Recognizing the true source of frustration and finding healthy ways to express and manage these emotions can prevent the harmful effects of taking it out on others. There are many tools we can use to manage anger. 

 

A powerful tool is to scan your body and find a place in your body where you feel the anger. Once you identify the sensation, allow yourself to sit with it without making it go away. Accept the feeling of anger as you would a friend who stubbed her toe and was swearing while hopping on the other foot. It’s possible to find the humor in trying to figure out what is to blame - the chair she didn’t see or the dog for making her change direction without looking where she was going.  The anger doesn't disappear if we don’t accept it; it festers and can manifest in unintended ways, such as irritability, passive-aggressiveness, or displaced aggression towards others. After accepting the anger, soothe yourself rather than criticize yourself for being clumsy.