Zen Koans and Parenting: Far From Enlightened

Parenting might not always feel like a spiritual experience—unless you consider endless chaos, screen time battles, and messily packed lunches as a path to enlightenment. In the hustle of daily life, most of us parents feel far from "Zen parenting" bliss. Who has time for transcendence when you’re just trying to get your kid to eat something that didn’t come out of a plastic wrapper?

But maybe, just maybe, parenting is its own form of Zen practice. It doesn’t require a meditation cushion or incense but demands a deep breath between tantrums, a sense of humor when everything goes wrong, and a lot of self-compassion. Here, we’ll explore a few parenting moments, koans, and laughs. Because while we may be far from enlightened, we’re all in this together.

Koan #1: The Lunch Revelation

I remember one time when I volunteered to chaperone a school field trip. There I was, peering into the kids' lunchboxes, ready to feel that familiar pang of guilt about my own parenting. My kids’ lunches? Always a little, shall we say, improvised—PB&J sandwiches, a bruised apple, maybe some questionable leftovers. Nothing fancy. But as I looked at the kids' lunches that day, I found a surprising sense of relief.

One student had a meticulously curated snack collection: four different bars—a granola bar, a protein bar, a whole grain bar, and an energy bar. Another kid had a simple banana and a peanut butter sandwich. It dawned on me: we're all just doing our best to get through the day. None of us are perfect parents, and that’s okay.

Koan of the Lunch Revelation: "What is a perfect lunch? One that feeds the child, or one that meets the standard of an imaginary audience?"

I laughed at myself and remembered all the times I had worried about not cooking Pinterest-worthy dinners. Take, for instance, the time I made a “shepherd’s pie-like delight” because I couldn’t follow directions properly. Or when I brought store-bought donuts to school events, while other parents showed up with wholesome, homemade treats. I may not have been the culinary Zen master, but I was pitching in—and I was starting to see the humor in it. If navigating these parenting challenges resonates with you, check out How to Navigate Parenting Challenges for more insights.

Koan #2: Screaming Won't Get Us There Faster

While I’m an empty nester now, I vividly remember the usual morning chaos. Getting the kids ready for school was a test of patience. My daughter would need me to sign paperwork at the last minute, my son would be upset because he couldn’t find his shoes, and we were always running late.

I felt my frustration bubbling up, and then it hit me—raising my voice wasn’t going to get us there any faster. I took a deep breath, stepped outside onto the porch, and focused on the trees and morning sun. Then I called out, “I’m going to the car. Meet me there when you’re ready!” Miraculously, this calm approach worked, and my kids followed without a fuss. I finally felt like a Zen parenting captain, steering us through the storm.

Koan of the Morning Rush: "How do you make haste? By letting go of the rush."

Sometimes, Zen parenting is about consciously stepping back, breathing, and realizing that you can’t control everything. By modeling calm, we can guide our children more effectively—even when we’re far from feeling calm ourselves. For mornings that feel out of control, you may find ADHD Morning Anger helpful in managing similar morning stress.

Koan #3: The Case of the Green Maraschino Cherries

One Christmas, a relative visiting our home wanted to bake a special holiday cookie that required both red and green maraschino cherries. I found the red cherries after searching three stores, but the green ones? Nowhere to be found. My relative, in her holiday spirit, urged me to keep looking, suggesting I try yet another store.

In that moment, I had a choice: sacrifice the next few hours searching for elusive cherries or say no and regain some control of my day. I chose to say no, preserving three precious hours for family time and enjoying the holiday.

Koan of the Missing Green Cherries: "What is more valuable—a green cherry or the time it costs to find it?"