The ADHD Shame Spiral: How I Learned to Love My Brain Again
Jun 10, 2025
For most of my life, I carried a secret, not the ADHD diagnosis itself, but the shame that came with it.
It wasn’t the kind of shame you talk about. It was the kind that sits deep in your body. A quiet, constant voice that says, Why can’t you just be normal?
If you’re an ADHD parent or someone with ADHD yourself, you probably know that voice too well. You feel it when you forget something important. When you interrupt. When you overreact. When you walk into a room and completely forget why.
That shame is not just emotional. It’s neurological. And it almost broke me.
But learning how to reframe it and ultimately love my brain again is the reason I built Bonding Health.
Because I know what it feels like to believe you’re broken.
And I know the power of realizing… you’re not.
The First Time I Felt Shame for Being “Different”
I was in elementary school. The nurse would call me out of class once a day to give me my “medicine,” those little orange pills.
No one ever explained what they were for. But I knew I was one of only a few kids pulled out like that.
I felt it in my gut: There’s something wrong with me.
That moment stuck with me. It wasn’t just that I had to leave class; it was that I internalized the message: I need to be fixed.
That belief followed me for decades.
The ADHD Shame Loop in Adulthood
Fast forward to adulthood, entrepreneurship, relationships, parenting, and work. On the outside, I looked high-functioning. But on the inside? I was constantly fighting a war with myself.
If I missed a meeting, I beat myself up.
If I forgot to respond to a text, I told myself I was flaky.
If I struggled to stay focused, I thought I lacked discipline.
If I lost my temper, I felt like a failure.
That’s the ADHD shame spiral. And once you’re in it, it’s hard to get out.
Why? Because ADHD isn’t just about attention. It’s about emotional regulation, and when you can’t regulate, shame becomes your default setting.
The Science Behind ADHD and Shame
ADHD brains are wired for intensity and sensitivity. We feel things deeply, and that includes self-criticism.
According to research, people with ADHD are more prone to:
- Rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD)
- Negative self-talk
- Low self-esteem due to repeated “failures” in neurotypical environments
Shame lights up the same brain circuits as physical pain. For people with ADHD, those circuits get triggered more often and more intensely.
And when we feel that pain, we don’t always know how to respond. So we:
- Overcompensate and become perfectionists
- Procrastinate to avoid failure
- Lash out, then feel guilty
- Shut down completely
And the loop starts all over again.
My Rock Bottom: Shame as Identity
I remember the exact moment it hit me.
I was standing in the kitchen, staring at a half-made smoothie I’d just spilled on myself again.
It wasn’t just the mess. It was the weight of every similar moment before it.
The forgotten deadlines. The missed birthdays. The times I hurt people because I couldn’t pause long enough to respond instead of react.
I whispered to myself, out loud: What is wrong with me?
And that’s when I realized… this wasn’t just a bad day.
This was a belief system that had been running my life.
The Shift: I’m Not Broken, I’m Wired Differently
That moment led me down a path of research, therapy, and deep inner work.
I started learning from experts like Dr. Lara Honos-Webb. I studied emotional regulation. I started paying attention to my nervous system. I leaned into practices like:
- Reframing (cognitive reappraisal)
- Somatic grounding
- Naming my emotions instead of suppressing them
- Talking to myself like I would talk to someone I love
It wasn’t a magical overnight fix. But every time I said, “I’m having a hard time” instead of “I’m a screw-up,” something softened inside me.
How Bonding Health Was Born From This Shift
I wanted to put all those tools into something I could access fast, in the moment, not after I’d already yelled or spiraled or shut down.
That’s why we created the Qiks in the Bonding Health app.
They’re not meditations. They’re not long lectures.
They’re 90-second emotional resets rooted in neuroscience and psychology, designed specifically for people with ADHD and intense emotions.
Each Qik helps you:
- Interrupt the shame spiral
- Shift your emotional state
- Reframe your self-talk
- Choose compassion over criticism
Because the truth is: you don’t heal shame with more discipline.
You heal it with emotional safety.
Loving My Brain Again and Helping Others Do the Same
Now, when I mess up (and I still do), I don’t go into the same shame loop.
I pause.
I name the feeling.
I breathe.
I do a Qik. (Try Now!)
I move forward not perfectly, but with self-respect.
And I’ve seen this ripple into every area of my life, my relationships, my ability to lead, my energy, my joy.
More than anything, I’ve learned to say:
“My brain is different. Not broken. And I’m proud of who I’ve become.”
For Anyone Trapped in the ADHD Shame Spiral
If you’re reading this and still carrying the weight of your mistakes, the guilt of not being “on top of it,” or the pain of thinking you’re too much or not enough, I see you.
I was you.
And I built Bonding Health for you.
Because I believe every ADHD parent and every person with ADHD deserves to feel:
- Calm in their body
- Clarity in their mind
- Compassion in their heart
You don’t need to “fix” your brain. You just need tools that are actually designed for how your brain works.
Final Words and an Invitation
Shame thrives in silence. But healing begins with naming the pattern and choosing to respond differently.
If you’re ready to break the ADHD shame spiral, I invite you to start with just one Qik.
One 90-second moment of regulation.
One compassionate thought.
One action that says: I’m worth taking care of.
Download the Bonding Health App and try your first Qik today.
Your healing begins with one small shift.
And I promise, you are not broken. You’re becoming.
— Pen
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the ADHD shame spiral?
The ADHD shame spiral is a recurring emotional loop where individuals with ADHD experience guilt, embarrassment, or self-criticism over symptoms like forgetfulness, impulsivity, or emotional reactivity. This often leads to negative self-talk and emotional shutdowns.
How does ADHD affect emotional regulation?
ADHD affects emotional regulation by making it difficult to manage reactions to stress, rejection, or frustration. People with ADHD often feel emotions more intensely and struggle to return to a calm state, leading to shame or emotional overwhelm.
Can shame be a symptom of ADHD?
While shame is not an official symptom of ADHD, it is a common emotional response. Many people with ADHD internalize feelings of failure or being different, which leads to chronic shame and impacts self-worth.
What are Qiks in the Bonding Health app?
Qiks are 90-second neuroscience-based emotional reset tools created by Bonding Health. They help people with ADHD regulate their emotions in the moment and break out of shame spirals using quick, accessible interventions.
How can I stop the ADHD shame spiral?
You can interrupt the ADHD shame spiral through practices like naming emotions, cognitive reframing, somatic grounding, and using tools like Qiks in the Bonding Health app to build emotional safety and self-compassion.
Is ADHD linked to rejection sensitivity?
Yes, many individuals with ADHD experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), a condition marked by intense emotional pain triggered by perceived rejection or criticism, which often contributes to cycles of shame and overreaction.
